After 4 years of dating, my boyfriend (now husband) proposed to me on February 17, 2017 in a beautiful, rustic cabin at an Ohio state park near Miami University. He picked up takeout from a local Italian restaurant and hid the morganite rose gold ring in the middle of the tiramisu. He bought the best wine a broke college student can afford and made a last minute run to Kroger to pick up wine glasses. I didn't notice the ring at first and 100% thought the tissue it was wrapped in was parchment paper stuck to the bottom of the cake, but it was perfect.
Later that week—after studying for a history exam—we set a tentative (and affordable) wedding game plan. I was never the Pinterest wedding board, bridal magazine daydreams kind of girl. My Barbies never had weddings, they mostly eloped at the courthouse (aka the bottom left corner of my bed). My wedding checklist was pretty small and uninformed: dress up, say some sweet stuff, put on rings, serve dinner, have cake, have more cake. Cake.
We wanted to get married sometime between September and November of that year. We planned to rent a large cabin in Gatlinburg, TN that we could use for a wedding. We drafted a list of around 30 people to invite. There would be no bridal party or crazy chocolate fountains. I was going to make my own cake, decorations, and floral arrangement. I found a dress on Etsy. Alex picked out a suite somewhere online. I even found a local restaurant that could cater Italian food. We picked out and contacted a couple officiants. In one evening, we planned the whole wedding and made a quick toast to our genius while mocking the wedding industry.
My Parents' Wedding
I called my mother very excited to share my frugal, simple wedding. Low cost? Wouldn't need much money from them? Focused on marriage and not a party? I thought my mother was going to love that I wasn't going to be an expensive and emotional drain on her and my dad.
She was mortified. And angry. Very, very angry. She wanted the big wedding. Dad wanted the big wedding. I was pretty much the only one who wasn't on board. I went up to Cincinnati to visit my mom and she pulled out the wedding album my brothers and I had weathered over the years with the curiosity of toddlerhood, nerf guns, and poorly managed cups of orange juice. (She would also like me to include that my older brother and I picked the doves off her unity candle and that we continued to pick them off even after she glued them back on. Sorry, mom.)
Her wedding album is a giant, very 90s black leather bound book and cost them $600 (that's about $1,100 adjusted for inflation. Yikes.) She was married in a gorgeous Baptist church wearing a head-to-toe pure white gown. The pictures from the ceremony are nothing short of gorgeous, and even though there are no candid pictures, the photographer was able to catch great pictures of my parents at the alter. The reception was beautiful, too, but the lighting wasn't ideal. The best pictures from the reception are of the cake cutting. (Dad really got mom with a good cake smashed into her face. Good job, dad.) The majority of the other pictures over utilized flash photography for today's standards.
My parents remember their wedding very fondly, but there were a couple details missed. To start, my mom didn't eat that morning until a family friend shoved a Reese's Cup in her mouth just as she started walking down the aisle. She felt ill and lightheaded all day. The ceremony itself was very well managed, but the reception needed some additional decor, lighting, and ideally an extra cameraman. The limitations of photography and videography at the time left my parents with only the expensive album and a couple framed prints. The photographer shutdown in the mid-90s, taking any potential to print extra images with him. My parents will never have all of the pictures. We could scan old photos to reprint, but the original film is long gone.
After a prolonged guilt trip and a glance through the familiar album that I had never taken the time to look through before, I agreed to go around to venues with my mom for pricing and dreaming. I wasn't necessarily against having a larger wedding, I just didn't want to plan it and knew that I wouldn't be able to get married in 2017. I would have to push my fall wedding back and I wasn't willing to compromise on the season. Fall 2018 felt very far away, and I was determined to convince my parents that my Gatlinburg wedding was the only economical option.
Finding a Venue
The first venue we visited was a fake mansion in a country setting. The grand stair case at the front entrance would be great for pictures, but it didn't go anywhere. The bridal suite was floral and lush, but the venue itself was plan and somehow still very tacky. Low ceilings in the ceremony room made me feel claustrophobic, and the reception room was an awkward shape with a dance floor off to the side and the tables scattered around haphazardly. The tablecloths only came in black and the decor options were both required and outdated. Oh, and they had forgotten about our tour. They threw together quick folders, continuously forgot my name, and rushed us out the door to get ready for a high school band's dinner reception they were holding that evening. We left pretty quickly with no intentions of contacting them again.
We drove by the next venue which we found was located in a rundown strip mall. We called and cancel.
I felt very smug as the Gatlinburg wedding became potentially more appealing to my mother. As we pulled up to venue #3 on a golf course, I laughed at my mom and gave her a quick Yeah, no. We can't afford this. The venue was amazing inside and out. It was clean, had high ceilings, and they were building a gazebo. The wedding coordinator met with us in a little sitting room built into a nook right outside of the two potential venue rooms. She gave us the same package information I found online. $52 per person for the lowest end package. The food, cake, flowers and some lighting were included. I was shocked to find out that fully covered tables, cloth napkins, chairs, chair coverings, and sashes were also included and limitless. They aren't everywhere? Why? I would only need to coordinate the invitations, DJ, extra lighting, and photography on my own. She then asked me when we were getting married.
Fall 2018. Oh, September, October, or November? We're not too picky. Our winter package starts in November, the price goes down to $41.99.
Later the week, before my fiancé even saw the venue, we put down our deposit for a wedding on November 10, 2018. We had stumbled across a venue and a promise of easy wedding planning that made an extra long engagement worth it.
Amy Tries to Plan a Wedding
I started planning really early. We met with our photographer in June 2017 and booked him without looking much further. I did most of my research online. We met with the included florist later that month and picked out simple arrangements for the tables. I found a DJ with a lighting package online and booked them at some point in August of that year. I even started making (fake flower) bouquets with my maid of honor to-be in September. I was way ahead of the game.
And then I started getting a lot of we'll talk about it later, we'll do the details later, your wedding is too far away from the vendors I had already booked and paid. To be fair, it was true. They had other clients to worry about who were getting married a year or more before I was. But it was frustrating to be told I had to wait until the last minute, too. I am not a natural procrastinator.
I took control over what I could do on my own without any cooperation with vendors. I priced stationary online and soon found that having invitations printed would cost me a fortune. Instead of selling my least favorite kidney, I purchased a Cricut at Joann's and set to designing my own save-the-dates, invitations, signs, and programs. I soon developed a slightly hostile relationship with the Cricut. (You know what you did that all that purple paper, Cricut. Don't pretend you didn't smudge that ink on purpose.) I ultimately drafted Alex as my assistant. I made the designs and created prototypes and he would continue the process until it was finished.
Late that summer, I attended my very first wedding. My cousin's Catholic ceremony scared me to death. It was all about God and subservience. The priest was desperately trying to keep the ceremony upbeat, but every verse was about how the wife would service and support her husband. The children she would carry and raise for him. The house she would keep for him. They didn't even kiss at the alter. I honestly wanted to elope after that. I dragged my mom to the bathroom during the reception and waited out bridesmaids touching up their hair before having a minor breakdown. Are weddings this boring? Why would anyone plan a wedding where the theme is sexism? The food was bad, the drinks were bad, the theme was Christmas in July (bad), and the ceremony was long and left me enraged and upset. If that's what I'm planning, I'm out.
After reassuring me that I was attending a very meh wedding with a focus I did not have to follow, I started planning more details for my own. I needed an officiant who would put all the women are men's property verses to the side. The party favors at my cousin's looked like cat toys. I didn't want that. What's a fun favor that is also affordable? Candy. But from where? How much? What color(s) should the bridesmaids wear? Which foods should we choose from the venues options? Should the DJ project mauve or iris lights? Should I do a signature cocktail? What blend of alcohol and sugar represents my relationship?
The choices and the details were overwhelming. I was working two different jobs, and managing a home on my own for the first time. I felt too busy.
I was also very bitter about some practical details that made planning a big wedding feel useless. I had already emotionally prepared myself to deal with my dad being terminally ill in a lot of aspects of my life. I knew that one day I would have children that wouldn't know my dad. I knew that my adulthood would probably be missing a father figure, but I had never thought about my wedding. My father was no longer able to walk very quickly or without support. His health was questionable. It wasn't clear to me that my dad would be alive or mentally present on my wedding day, especially after he had recently left my outdoor university graduation early to avoid the heat. I knew that even if my dad was able to walk with a walker, he wouldn't be able to go down the narrow aisle with me in heels and a ballgown dress. If he fell, it would be a disaster. Whose walking me down the aisle? Am I just going alone? Do we just skip the dance?
Giving up Control
My mom was calling me everyday to wedding plan and I started to respond with a lot of nothing. I really didn't care if the tea lights were gold or rose gold. (She went with gold.) I had no opinions on what kind of white flower would adorn the arches. I was mentally and emotionally spent on wedding plan by December of that year. It had been ten long months without a lot of progress and the wedding was still over ten months away.
I slowly passed tasks off to my mother one-by-one and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I let her plan the fine details and my wedding went from being a daily stress inducing problem I couldn't bare to think about, to a very exciting surprise. I let her pick out the lighting, the decorations, and a lot of the food. My mom knew wedding planning a lot better than I did. She knew how to communicate with vendors, get the RSVPs back in, and purchased beautiful lanterns, birdcages, candles, flowers, and other decor that brought the whole room together. She found two cake topper options and had a banner made with our names. She spent a lot of time picking out a monogram to be projected on the wall and floor. She coordinating food and drinks for the bridal and groom suites. I honestly don't even know what else she did, because I was that uninvolved.
I passed the honeymoon planning off to Alex. After considering both Ireland and Germany, he settled on Spain. He booked travel, hotel rooms, and planned events that I would have never found on my own. He contacted a salon on Facebook and setup my long awaited "big-chop" where I cut off almost 2 feet of hair on our first day in Madrid. He found the tours we would take and the dining options in each city. He also made the final design of the ceremony programs and created 100 of them entirely by himself in one night while I slept.
It was a great experience for me. After years of planning out every detail of my life and throwing every birthday party—even my own—I had a big event being planned for me. I still had to pick out my own dress, shows, and jewelry, but the details that didn't physically require my presences didn't really involve me unless I wanted to participate. I was able to throw my energy into the parts of the wedding I was actually excited about. I made signs from the candy bar, s'mores table, and pretzel bar. I packed for my honeymoon. I spent a lot of time working on a 10-step Korean skincare routine and practiced my simple makeup.
And even though family and friends seemed worried that I wasn't planning my own wedding, I knew that my husband-to-be and my mother would plan a beautiful one without me. They enlisted the help of both my brothers, and my maid of honor and her boyfriend. I depended on the people closest to me to pull it all together, and they did. Because there were so many people involved who were able to focus on small tasks, my wedding was (mostly) drama and tragedy . Two people brought safety pins, so it wasn't a problem when my bridesmaids couldn't find the last bustle on my dress. There was extra lash glue and eye shadow. Someone was able to put my eyeliner on me when my hands were too shaky. My older brother walked me down the aisle and brought me glasses on water and bites of food during the reception. My mother planned a mother-daughter dance. My maid of honor handled a minor allergic reaction to cashews by another bridesmaid who had just tried some vegan cheesecake.
If there's anything I learned from my wedding—aside from the confirmation of love between Alex and I—it's that passing off control to people around you can be the greatest gift a habitual micromanager could possibly receive. Whether it's as big as a wedding or as small as a dinner, finding help from the people you love and trust is amazing and fulfilling. Maybe your mother isn't the best choice for your wedding, and that's okay. For you, it could be friend, your future mother-in-law, or your husband-to-be. You don't have to be the sole planner of every event in your life, especially events that are about more people than just you. I think we often forget that weddings are not just the bride's big day. It's a big day for the groom, the parents, the grandparents, and friends and family, too. Letting everyone get involved can be a lot of fun, even when it isn't perfect.
I'll end this with a little letter to my mom.
Thank you, mom. You made November 10, 2018 a very special day and carried the worst of the wedding stress for me. Without you, there's no way Alex and I could remember our wedding as a peaceful event. It's amazing that at every stage in my life, you've been my best friend and biggest supporter. I am so grateful that our relationship continues to stay strong. (Also, I call you more than anyone else, so I'm sorry about that. I probably get pretty annoying.)
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